Okay, peeps. Not gonna talk about the divorce here except to say that it has been ugly, and only seems to be getting worse....
and that it doesn't *have* to be that way.
I'm working on finding a more private outlet, to vent while still protecting myself. Get with me and i'll get with you when i figure out what imma do.
until then....
Monday, July 14, 2008
Thursday, May 15, 2008
the calm before the storm....
It has definitely been a whirlwind several weeks for me. Truth be told, I’m not handling things well; I’m barely handling things at all. I feel like I’m being pulled in different directions, and none of them seem to be the direction that I want to take with my life.
Needing to figure it out.
Break it down to wonder what is right; what went wrong, if anything;
Hard ships and heartbreak and fences to mend with chains breakable to a fault
Frustrations fuel the confused chaos already maddening in my mind
My head hurts.
I want to live for me and do what I want to do with my life. I don’t want to answer to anyone or anything that tries to tell me any different. I don’t want to be judged for following what I want or doing as I please, regardless of the outcome. I want to learn for myself and take things head on.
Lost time to make up for; lost life to gain
Through experiences only I can know or tell…..
I probably am a shitty mother. I probably do have a mental stability issue; I probably always have; But that’s not my cop-out, my excuse for the way I am. I am sure that I am not happy and I’m sure that I don’t need anyone to get me there and make me otherwise.
I want to be the one to find it, figure it out, lay it aside if it needs to be, and pick things up where I left off if they are worth it. I want to touch lives, and have lives touch me, and be better for it without the obligation.
Everything seems to suffer for it, and I don’t understand why I should too. It’s black and white and I know what I have to do; and with minimal discomfort and complete unselfishness to those who mean the most…to those who’ll hurt the most.
To lay it out on the line scares the shit out of me. To have it happen when I least expect it scared me even most. To hurt the ones I care for the most scares me more than all fear combined.
I face it and move on.
Forward.
Too stagnant for too long and
Too young not to go for it and too old to think it’d be realistic and
Too insane not to try.
You tell me things I need to hear, and should have heard all along, but never had. I knew this, since I had had it in another, and then when things got rough the turned tables flipped up and knocked me out completely on their way. I was never the same since. All that talk of walls being built and jaded and guarded. Yeah. That wasn’t me, but it was, and I left it internal. I bottled up and I’m okay, and I’m dealing and I’m making other people happy and I’m living life for everyone else to make everyone else the way they want me to be.
Needing to figure it out.
Break it down to wonder what is right; what went wrong, if anything;
Hard ships and heartbreak and fences to mend with chains breakable to a fault
Frustrations fuel the confused chaos already maddening in my mind
My head hurts.
I want to live for me and do what I want to do with my life. I don’t want to answer to anyone or anything that tries to tell me any different. I don’t want to be judged for following what I want or doing as I please, regardless of the outcome. I want to learn for myself and take things head on.
Lost time to make up for; lost life to gain
Through experiences only I can know or tell…..
I probably am a shitty mother. I probably do have a mental stability issue; I probably always have; But that’s not my cop-out, my excuse for the way I am. I am sure that I am not happy and I’m sure that I don’t need anyone to get me there and make me otherwise.
I want to be the one to find it, figure it out, lay it aside if it needs to be, and pick things up where I left off if they are worth it. I want to touch lives, and have lives touch me, and be better for it without the obligation.
Everything seems to suffer for it, and I don’t understand why I should too. It’s black and white and I know what I have to do; and with minimal discomfort and complete unselfishness to those who mean the most…to those who’ll hurt the most.
To lay it out on the line scares the shit out of me. To have it happen when I least expect it scared me even most. To hurt the ones I care for the most scares me more than all fear combined.
I face it and move on.
Forward.
Too stagnant for too long and
Too young not to go for it and too old to think it’d be realistic and
Too insane not to try.
You tell me things I need to hear, and should have heard all along, but never had. I knew this, since I had had it in another, and then when things got rough the turned tables flipped up and knocked me out completely on their way. I was never the same since. All that talk of walls being built and jaded and guarded. Yeah. That wasn’t me, but it was, and I left it internal. I bottled up and I’m okay, and I’m dealing and I’m making other people happy and I’m living life for everyone else to make everyone else the way they want me to be.
Thursday, May 01, 2008
Promises - Fugazi
Words
Words and expressions
All these confessions
Of where we stand
How I see you
And you see me
Dedications of symmetry
Together we will be
forever.
Promises are shit
We speak the way we breathe
Present air will have to do
Rearrange and see it through
Stupid fucking words
They tangle us in our desires
Free me from this give and take
Free me from this great debate
There were no truer words than when spoken
Let that stand as it should
There was nothing left when broken
We grab anything when we fall
Promises are shit
We speak the way we breathe
Present air will have to do
Rearrange and see us through
Stupid fucking words
They tangle us in our desires
Free me from this give and take
Free me from this great debate
You will do what you do
I will do what I do
We will do what we do
Rearrange and see it through
Go where you think you want to go
Do everything you were sent here for
Fire at will if you hear that call
Touch your hand to the wall at night
Promises.
Words.
Words and expressions
All these confessions
Of where we stand
How I see you
And you see me
Dedications of symmetry
Together we will be
forever.
Promises are shit
We speak the way we breathe
Present air will have to do
Rearrange and see it through
Stupid fucking words
They tangle us in our desires
Free me from this give and take
Free me from this great debate
There were no truer words than when spoken
Let that stand as it should
There was nothing left when broken
We grab anything when we fall
Promises are shit
We speak the way we breathe
Present air will have to do
Rearrange and see us through
Stupid fucking words
They tangle us in our desires
Free me from this give and take
Free me from this great debate
You will do what you do
I will do what I do
We will do what we do
Rearrange and see it through
Go where you think you want to go
Do everything you were sent here for
Fire at will if you hear that call
Touch your hand to the wall at night
Promises.
Words.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
good lord....
So....
my girls wake me around 7:45 this morning. I know that I have lots on my agenda today, so I get up and put on a different shirt with my pajama pants. We have nothing in the house for breakfast, so I figure the girls and I will go grab something and then go food shopping. I gather all the Sunday editions of the paper that have been collecting on my balcony for the last month (I only subscribed to get the coupons - that I never use) and i spend about a half hour going through about 2 months worth of coupons, put them in a baggie in no type of order, and pile the kids into the station wagon, cuz i'm cool like that...that's how I roll.
So we venture to the Dunkin Donuts, and proceed to completely take it over, but they know us well, so they have my coffee and my bagel ready, and the kids have finally decided what they want...so we order and we sit down, and then utensils start to fall on the floor and so we have to get more, and then Maura realizes that her hands are sticky and that she needs a wet paper towel and proceeds to pour water from my water bottle onto the pile of napkins sitting on the table. I'm hold hot coffee, and trying to stop her, I spill scalding hot coffee on my leg. I stay calm. I clean up. We are finally finshed with breakfast, and we leave. I should have taken them home at this point.
I should have taken them home.
So we get to the supermarket at around 9. I'm stoked because it's still early and because it's Saturday morning, and so the supermarket is still a little quiet..at least for the next hour or so. i get a great parking space, and we all go into the store together and then it starts. Anyone with children that are old enough to talk and recognize labels know exactly what I mean by this. I want to strangle every advertiser who thought it would be cute to put Dora on a box of ANYTHING, and every one of the people that make all the artificial preservative full CRAP that "EVERYONE else ALWAYS has in thier lunch EVERY day.." Excuse me for caring about the long term health and well being of my kids!!!!
So my children are running up and down and up and down the aisles and I'm trying to shop and they are asking for everything, and Maura is trying the apples and Ana is begging for some sort of cereal made from Recees cups and Maura is fighting over kinds of yogurt because the one kind has Dora on it and Ana needs glitter pens for school and Maura really wants a toy and Ana would buy it for her if she had the money, but she can't find her money, and will i spot her some money becuase she is sure that somewhere she has lost $18, and she really needs construction paper and new crayons because all the other ones are broken, and Maura's life isn't complete without the Elmo juices and we HAVE to have the string cheese, and why can't we get the cookie dough with the jackolanterns on it for halloween, since it's so close, and look at the cute coupon dispensers that we have to stand in front of and pull every coupon out of until they no longer spit coupons and then never understand why I don't need the little gummy fruity things, because I have 5000 coupons now, and how I can't get the spaghetti sauce that says this on it, because the coupon is too specific, and then my cell phone rings, and it's my friend in GA who is about to have a baby, so I'm talking to her and then Maura has to go to the bathroom - which in a grocery store is always 200x worse than even the most disgusting gas station bathroom - so i make Ana stand with the cart, and i'm on the cell phone and lining a toilet seat with toilet paper, and I keep getting a beep on my phone because hubby thinks that I just don't hear the phone, and I get done with the bathroom and fight to get hands washed - PLEASE - and then I get off the phone and try to talk Maura into the riding in the cart, and she stands up and puts her arms around my neck while my hands are full and jumps out of the cart and lands flat on her tailbone on the hard floor and starts to scream and then I finally get done, and of course there are only 4 checkouts open - and 2 of them are for 15 items or less, and all 4 have lines at least 5 people deep.....so I get in line and am bagging groceries,
and I ask the checkout lady if they have valium...and she says yes they do, in the pharmacy, but you have to have a prescription....
and I'm thinkng that at this point, I could convince any doctor in the land.
and I finally get home, and get groceries put away, and discover that mice have gotten into my tea and my dried beans, so I have to throw it all away and clean out the cupboard and rearrange things..
and I find myself looking at the clock...trying to decide if it's too early to open that bottle of wine I put in the fridge last night to chill...
it's not even noon, people.
my girls wake me around 7:45 this morning. I know that I have lots on my agenda today, so I get up and put on a different shirt with my pajama pants. We have nothing in the house for breakfast, so I figure the girls and I will go grab something and then go food shopping. I gather all the Sunday editions of the paper that have been collecting on my balcony for the last month (I only subscribed to get the coupons - that I never use) and i spend about a half hour going through about 2 months worth of coupons, put them in a baggie in no type of order, and pile the kids into the station wagon, cuz i'm cool like that...that's how I roll.
So we venture to the Dunkin Donuts, and proceed to completely take it over, but they know us well, so they have my coffee and my bagel ready, and the kids have finally decided what they want...so we order and we sit down, and then utensils start to fall on the floor and so we have to get more, and then Maura realizes that her hands are sticky and that she needs a wet paper towel and proceeds to pour water from my water bottle onto the pile of napkins sitting on the table. I'm hold hot coffee, and trying to stop her, I spill scalding hot coffee on my leg. I stay calm. I clean up. We are finally finshed with breakfast, and we leave. I should have taken them home at this point.
I should have taken them home.
So we get to the supermarket at around 9. I'm stoked because it's still early and because it's Saturday morning, and so the supermarket is still a little quiet..at least for the next hour or so. i get a great parking space, and we all go into the store together and then it starts. Anyone with children that are old enough to talk and recognize labels know exactly what I mean by this. I want to strangle every advertiser who thought it would be cute to put Dora on a box of ANYTHING, and every one of the people that make all the artificial preservative full CRAP that "EVERYONE else ALWAYS has in thier lunch EVERY day.." Excuse me for caring about the long term health and well being of my kids!!!!
So my children are running up and down and up and down the aisles and I'm trying to shop and they are asking for everything, and Maura is trying the apples and Ana is begging for some sort of cereal made from Recees cups and Maura is fighting over kinds of yogurt because the one kind has Dora on it and Ana needs glitter pens for school and Maura really wants a toy and Ana would buy it for her if she had the money, but she can't find her money, and will i spot her some money becuase she is sure that somewhere she has lost $18, and she really needs construction paper and new crayons because all the other ones are broken, and Maura's life isn't complete without the Elmo juices and we HAVE to have the string cheese, and why can't we get the cookie dough with the jackolanterns on it for halloween, since it's so close, and look at the cute coupon dispensers that we have to stand in front of and pull every coupon out of until they no longer spit coupons and then never understand why I don't need the little gummy fruity things, because I have 5000 coupons now, and how I can't get the spaghetti sauce that says this on it, because the coupon is too specific, and then my cell phone rings, and it's my friend in GA who is about to have a baby, so I'm talking to her and then Maura has to go to the bathroom - which in a grocery store is always 200x worse than even the most disgusting gas station bathroom - so i make Ana stand with the cart, and i'm on the cell phone and lining a toilet seat with toilet paper, and I keep getting a beep on my phone because hubby thinks that I just don't hear the phone, and I get done with the bathroom and fight to get hands washed - PLEASE - and then I get off the phone and try to talk Maura into the riding in the cart, and she stands up and puts her arms around my neck while my hands are full and jumps out of the cart and lands flat on her tailbone on the hard floor and starts to scream and then I finally get done, and of course there are only 4 checkouts open - and 2 of them are for 15 items or less, and all 4 have lines at least 5 people deep.....so I get in line and am bagging groceries,
and I ask the checkout lady if they have valium...and she says yes they do, in the pharmacy, but you have to have a prescription....
and I'm thinkng that at this point, I could convince any doctor in the land.
and I finally get home, and get groceries put away, and discover that mice have gotten into my tea and my dried beans, so I have to throw it all away and clean out the cupboard and rearrange things..
and I find myself looking at the clock...trying to decide if it's too early to open that bottle of wine I put in the fridge last night to chill...
it's not even noon, people.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
week one
7 lb down.
93 to go.
FAGE total 0% Greek Yogurt is delicious.
Trader Joe's rocks.
Thank you and have a great week.
93 to go.
FAGE total 0% Greek Yogurt is delicious.
Trader Joe's rocks.
Thank you and have a great week.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
i'm going do it...
I'm going to Weight Watchers tomorrow. Sean and Megan have collectively lost about 300lb.
No time like the present.
here goes nothing.
No time like the present.
here goes nothing.
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